TMI Thursday, or Why Jagermeister is the Devil's Kool-Aid

Hey, peeps...I'm back in a BIG way this Thursday! Since I don't have the presence of mind to form a complete, ocmplex (typo, but I'm keeping it!) sentence, I present to you TMI Thursday in list form:


First of all, I blame it on the dress...and the alcohol. They both gave me a confidence I never knew I had.

Here is the dress:




And off we go...


-I may or may not have drunk (with the help of two friends) $200 worth of alcohol.

-I may or may not have showed my half-naked (thong-wearing) ass to the whole pub while attempting to do a slowed-down, sexed-up version of "dropping it like it was hot" while Michael Jackson's "Dirty Diana" played (at my request, of course)

-I may or may not have told a secret that I should have kept to myself, which may or may not have ended a 10 year old friendship (alcohol really IS truth serum)

-I may or may not have followed afore-mentioned friends into the men's restroom to try to clean up the mess that I'd made with my drunken confession

-I may or may not have calmly removed myself from the stool I was sitting on and, in a very lady-like manner, proceed to glide across the floor (because it did feel like I was gliding) and into the ladies room to puke my guts out in the handicapped stall while literally hugging the toilet

-I also may or may not have initially passed out with my head laying on the toilet seat like it was my pillow with my legs stretched out in front of me and my hands folded in my lap. After what seemed like an eternity but was only a few minutes, I came to long enough to remove MY FACE from the very nasty and germ-ridden TOILET SEAT and scoot over into the corner where I may or may not have passed out again, this time with my head propped oh-so-comfortably against the wall.

-I may or may not have been in there for about an hour, or at least, according to my missed call log, from about 1:15am until it was time for the place to close. I only knew the place was about to close because one of the waitresses came in there and brought me some water and asked me who I was with so they could come get me out of the bathroom. I vaguely remember her crawling under the stall door to unlatch it. One of my friends met me at the ladies' room door.

-I may or may not have passed out (again) on the bench right inside the front door while one of my friends waited with me ("Zan, wake up, everybody's staring at us.") while the other friend went to pull my car around. I was obviously the most fucked up out of all of us, and it was determined that I was in no shape to drive across the parking lot, much less across town.

-I may or may not have thought that someone had stolen my brand new Blackberry flip out of my purse and very loudly combatively told my friend that we needed to go back to the bar to find my phone. (My phone was safe and sound inside my purse.)

-I may or may not have had a small stroke when I saw the bar tab. FML. I'm keeping it as a souvenir of my stupidity.

And for the good part:

-I may or may not have been on my period and my friend may or may not have fucked me while I was semi-passed out in the passenger seat of my car while we were parked in the parking lot of his apartment complex. I may or may not have had to drive home barefoot (shoes were in the backseat) several hours later while feeling "rather strange" down there and wondering if he took my tampon out before he fucked me.

-I may or may not have had to literally dig the wayward tampon out of my vag, all the while shaking my head at nasty ass men who fucked half-passed out women in their car while parked in the parking lot of their apartment complex. SMH.

BY POPULAR DEMAND, THE "SECRET":

I’d fucked one of the friends wayyy back in the day (like 10 years ago) when the other friend and I were “exclusively fucking.” But I really don’t understand why he would be mad about this when he and I were not *dating*; hell, we were just fuck buddies! And the other friend was willing to eat it. HE was not. I was getting the best of both worlds! At 18, what more can you ask for?