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This is probably the most TMI of TMIs I have posted so far...
It was the year 2004. I'd just come home from the Army, and I was horny and loaded for bear. I was literally trying to fuck my own brains out, with the help of one particular redbone who y'all may remember from the "you puked on my dick" incident. I guess a lil' puke don't stop nothing.
AnydamnIwasawhore, Redbone and I hooked up at a by-the-hour motel one night, and again in the car before he dropped me off at home. Classy, I know. I distinctly remember him putting a condom on before I straddled him in the driver's seat, but when we finished, the condom was nowhere to be found. *shrug*
Fast forward oh...about 24 hours. Give or take. Yeah. A "friend" from a LONG time ago decided to call me out the clear blue and "see what I was up to". That's code for, "I haven't had your pussy in a long time, so what's up?" Now, this dude was not so good in the dick-giving arena, but when it came to handling business with that tongue...sheeiiiitt....who was I to pass THAT up?
So he came over, and we were in the middle of a particularly rigorous 69 session during which he digitally explored my nether regions while working the tongue on me. All was good, when suddenly,
Him: "I feel something."
Me: "mmmmsphhfff?" (Hey, it's hard to talk with a mouth-full of dick.)
Him: "Something's in there."
Me, giggling at that funny noise that is made when the dick pops out of your mouth...yeah, you know the one: "Ain't shit in there. You trippin'."
He probed deeper, this time with two fingers in a gripping position in order to grab whatever was supposedly in there. I felt all that shit, and it didn't feel good. I winced and tried to pull away, but he grabbed me by my hips and continued to probe. In the meantime, I was starting to feel like I was at the GYN.
Him: "I just barely have it between my fingers...it's soft, and kinda rubbery. Do you use a diaphragm?"
Me (totally baffled): "Uh, no. Hurry up. You're hurting me."
At that point, I begin to feel him pull something out of me, and I won't go into detail about how it felt, but you can probably imagine.
He gasped as he pulled it out of me, and he damn near threw me off of him while he simultaneously tried to jump up and throw the offensive item far away from him.
Me: "What is it?"
Him: "Oh, my God!"
Me: "What the fuck is it?"
I walk over to the item and bend over to get a better look at it.
Holy.shit.
It was the condom.
The condom that was "lost" after Redbone and I fucked vigorously in the driver's seat of his car.
The dude was in the bathroom, washing his mouth out.
Me: "I'm sorry."
Him: "mutter mutter mutter"
Me: "....." (I was really at a loss for words.)
Him: "When did you fuck him?"
Me: "Yesterday."
Him: "I see. Well, I'm about to go."
Me: "I don't blame you. That was awkward."
Him: "Yeah."
And that was it for that. I never heard from him again.
Oh, but I did end up with a nice bundle of joy nine months later. Courtesy of Redbone and that stupid, weak-ass condom.
You're welcome.
17 quips:
OMG! That is hilarious,but I'm sure embarrassing as hell at the time!!
That is just nasty and hilarious at the same time. While I don't care what girls I casually am with do when I am not around there are a few things that would piss me off and I think something like this happening would satisfy most of them.
Finding a condom when you are giving oral is bad enough, but that also implies that the girl had unprotected sex (or poorly protected might be a better phrase?) recently with another guy.
Wow. That's the type of story that most people would never want to see the light of day, which is why it's a perfect TMI
I'm speechless. If that happened to me, I think I'd die. Maybe that's why my ex would never go down on me b/c he "didn't know what was down there"
mortifying......
i've actually had that happen to me before... except it was in there for 3 days before i discovered it. thankfully, i found it on my own.
horrifying!
thinkinfyou: it was funny, even then, but of
course i couldn't laugh at the time...it's
definitely even more funny now. Maybe i'd feel
differently if someone had done that to me...
...oh, wait...never mind. stay tuned!
vegard: yes, it was very nasty...i can indeed
understand how he may have felt about it...it
did turn out that the secks from the night
before was very poorly protected, especially since
i ended up pregnant with my fourth kid...*sigh*
jFo: this is the first time i'd ever mentioned
it to *anyone*... :-)
liferehab: lol @ your ex not knowing "what
was down there." it was rather embarrassing,
but by that time, i'd learned that sex is
not always a clean and perfect undertaking
mich: indeed...
sassyLittleginger: wow...3 days, huh? how did you know it was in there?
lol! Ohmygawd that would have sucked! I dont' see why he had to get all huffy about it though, I mean...there he was, fucking you, and he got all hurt when he realized that you weren't exclusive....sheesh!
Jen: Yeah, I think that was part of it, but even more so the fact that he may have inadvertently taken in Redbone's...ahem...juices...? Shit, I don't know...the look on his face was priceless, though!
"particularly rigorous 69 session"
opposed to the ol' passive type, where one partner just kinda explores and the other listens to music.
this, my friend, was hilarious. keep it up (posting, not dicks. looks like you've had your fill*)
* Ha!
I have no words except "wow." That is a horrifying story, hilariously told. Wow.
Andy: Good choice of words, huh? :) And you know sex always makes for good TMI! Thanks for reading!
Wendy: Glad you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!
Hahahaha:gasp:hahahaha
Holy Jesus, I elect that the best TMIT post ever. In the existence of the Internet. Amen.
Jill: thank you! :)
OMG! Just wait until you have to tell your child how he/she was conceived!!!!
Flora: Aw, man, there is no way I could ever bring myself to tell him that! :-)
Very Nice. LOL
Note To Self:
If you eat at the Y make sure you know where the foods been before you stick it in your mouth.
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